Susan Schneider’s Blog

STICK IT! to memory...

I would love to be able to say that I live each and every day by the concepts that I write in this blog. Unfortunately, that would be far from the truth for one reason only… I am human.

As I lie in bed in the mornings and hit my snooze bar for the umpteenth time, I think about whom I want to be and how I want to behave. And for the first five minutes of the day, I am perfect. But then as it does every day, about the time I hit the shower, my brain kicks into high gear and my hopes of being everything I wish I could be starts to wane. This used to bother me… but not anymore.

I don’t know about you, but my mind is a powerful source to reckon with. Unless I get it under control, it can take me from one emotion to another at lightning speed. Only in my mind can I go from excitement to worry in a split second, from self-confidence to self-loathing in a heartbeat, and a million other thoughts and emotions in between.

Clearly, relying on this mind of mine to take control wasn’t going to happen, so I had to put the necessary tools in place that would remind me of the truth when I needed it the most. I had to physically write down the things I believed and valued (“worry is a waste,” “assume nothing,” “make it safe,” “do it afraid”) on a little post-it note so that I could STICK IT! to memory in those moments where stress and anxiety took power over me.

Funny thing is, I was never and will never be close to perfect, so I have to wonder why that is where I set the bar. Really, deep down, I just want to be the best me I can be, but even doing that everyday isn’t easy... because as I wrote earlier, I am only human.

The Waiting Game

When you think about it, we spend an incredible amount of time waiting. On Monday, for example, as I drank my nuked cup of day-old coffee, I waited for my 14-cup pot to finish brewing, I waited for my son to finish eating his gallon-size bowl of cereal so we could leave for school, I waited with all the other corporate zombies in the security line at the airport, I waited in line for my grande coffee, I waited like cattle in the gate to board the plane, and then for the flight attendant to bring me another cup of really awful coffee… and that was all before 9:00am. As I write this, two things come to mind:

1. I think it's very possible I might be almost ready to admit that I have an addiction to caffeine.
2. I think that I am going to remove the word "wait" from my vocabulary, it's too depressing.

The truth is, life is about waiting, not just on the small stuff, but major events as well. You hear it all the time, people are waiting for their breakthrough, waiting for the economy to turn around, waiting for that promotion, or waiting for things to get better. When you look at it like this, it really isn't about the waiting, it is about the journey. So the question comes to mind, what are you going to do while you wait?

There are typical behaviors that we often display while we are waiting: stress, worry, anxiousness, short temper, etc. Not very often do people associate peace, calm, or balance when they are waiting. Trust me, I was anything but these things on Monday morning. It made me think about my choices... can I be a different person as I go through the journey? Instead of looking at these moments as a set back to my plan or an inconvenience, can I actually take these moments to be grateful for the small moments of inactivity and quietness? Until writing this post, I wasn't sure, but when I look at this idea on paper, I absolutely believe I can change how I wait.

How do you wait?

Forgive Others... Quickly

I need to start this week with an apology to my readers. Last week, I touched on three important things to keep in mind when someone has made a mistake, but I completely forgot to emphasize the most important part: to forgive others, and to do it quickly!

Someone once compared a grudge to that of a hot coal in the palm of your hand; if you continue to hold onto it, you will get burned. I am often amazed when I hear stories that include two brothers (or friends, or business partners) who get into a simple argument and then resent each other for decades on end. It isn’t until one of them gets sick that they finally reconcile. These kind of stories, while they make me shake my head in disbelief, show just how determined people can be if they put their mind to it.

There is no doubt that we all have a stubborn side, some of us more than others. It is easy to get trapped in the belief that we are justified to show our resentment toward another until they have paid their dues or apologized in a manner we find acceptable. However, I have to challenge this thinking because in the end, who really ends up hurting the most… the one who can't forgive or the one who made the mistake?

Let’s assume none of us want a decade-long argument and that we will eventually forgive those who have hurt us. If this is the case, why not get it done quickly, like within the day or maybe even the hour. Even if we think we can handle the heat, getting that coal out of our hand quickly is a much better approach!

Right the Wrong

Let's face it, pointing out the mistakes of others is never easy, especially when we know the error was not intentional. Confronting others can be far too emotionally uncomfortable and the fear of coming off as rude or hurting another's feelings doesn't necessarily seem worth it in the end. But should it? What opportunities are missed by saying nothing? Is it fair to not let others right the wrong?

I was in this exact situation recently. At first, my instinct was to let the error go by the wayside. In the scheme of life, it seemed fairly petty, but someone encouraged me to address it and so I did. Here are a few lessons I learned:

Lesson #1 - People often don't even know they have made a mistake unless someone is willing to tell them.

Lesson #2 - Many people will feel bad after they have made an error. You can't stop them from feeling this way; however, your forgiveness will ease their pain.

Lesson #3 - People want to right their wrongs and you have to allow it. Giving people a chance to rectify the problem can improve your relationship with them in the future. People who make mistakes shouldn't feel as though they are indebted to you for life.

Most of these lessons seem quite basic when I put them on paper... almost embarrassing that I would ever forget them. The truth is, mistakes can be messy, but a lot of the mess can be avoided by making the choice to say something.

Emotional Speculation

How much time of each day, of each week, do you find yourself speculating on what someone else is thinking or feeling? Can you imagine if there was money to be made in speculating emotions like there is in oil or gold prices? Unfortunately, while we spend a lot of time imagining what is going on in the mind of others, there is no money in speculating on it; just a lot of poor communication, assumptions, and decisions without merit.

I am going to emotionally speculate that my husband is going to be OK with me using us as an example. The other day we were discussing something - OK, some might say strongly conversing - and afterward I actually wondered if he really needed to be part of the conversation or if a cardboard cutout of him would have sufficed. Whether he knew it or not, I apparently felt that I knew exactly what he was thinking before he did. To get closure, I needed to change his thinking, because I undoubtedly knew better than he did about what he should be thinking. My speculation is that he will think twice before entering another conversation like this with me.

It’s not very often that I meet someone who tells me they are not good at reading others. Most people will tell you they have a real knack for knowing what others think. They are professional emotional speculators, and as you can tell from the conversation with my husband, I think I am too. Unfortunately, it gets me in trouble at times. I’ve had to learn to change my thinking (what a concept) and realize that I am not telepathic, I don’t have ESP and unless I ask, I can only speculate on other’s thoughts.

I have a feeling that this post is going to change my life a bit. Like Obama’s belief that we should add fees on oil speculation, I am pretty sure my husband is going to call for a crackdown on emotional speculation!

The Silence is Deafening

They say no news is good news, but is it really? A couple weeks ago, I touched on our human need to connect the dots in stories or events that impact our lives to help bring closure. With this in mind, in what situation is no news good news? For me personally, I would rather know exactly what I need to know, good or bad, so that I can begin making decisions. Sitting in limbo and letting my mind run wild with all the possible outcomes usually results in imagining the worst case scenario.

About a year ago, I started sending notes of congratulations out to our new employees before they started with the company. One reason I do this is to welcome them to our team. Another reason is to bring some noise to the silence; those quiet days between the multiple interviews and their first day on the job. I can only imagine that in these days of silence, they could begin questioning whether they made the right decision. With a simple note, they are reminded that we are excitedly anticipating their arrival.

Thinking about silence provides a great opportunity. It allows me to identify times when I might be the cause of deafening silence; has too much time passed since my last interaction? Have I provided an update recently? Am I causing unnecessary concern for the people who are waiting to hear from me? Most importantly, it allows me to set better expectations on what I need from others; asking them up front when I can expect an update.

Maybe it’s an email, a note, or a voicemail. It could be as simple as saying, “I still don’t have an answer." Either way, I am of the opinion that people do like some noise. And as I write this, I still struggle to find a time when no news is good news. Am I missing something?

The "Me Too" Strategy

It's not very often that I long to return to my early teenage years, except when I witness the innocence of my 12-year-old daughter. One day in particular, she asked me, "Mom, why it is that if we are all born unique, we spend most of our lives trying to become like everyone else?" Unfortunately, I don't remember my answer, but I am sure it failed in comparison to the depth and insight of her question. I do know that I could not thoroughly explain why so many fall into the "me too" strategy; at times, myself included.

Whether it is in our personal or business lives, we can all remember a time when we looked around at how others achieved success and thought maybe if I did that too... maybe if I lived in that neighborhood, belonged to that club, bought that stock, hired that person, or sold that same service, I too will be successful. Somehow, we find it easier to mimic what someone else has done rather than take a risk and do it in our unique way. The “me too” strategy is safe and we limit the potential criticism because we can always point to someone else who did it first.

It is not easy to look my daughter in the eyes and tell her to not worry about what everyone else does, that she can always be unique and it doesn’t matter what others think. That is the right thing for any parent to say. The difficulty comes in telling her the challenges that uniqueness brings; people will not always understand. It doesn’t matter whether she is 12, 25 or 80-years-old, she will be faced with making decisions on whether she is willing to take the risk of being herself or taking the easy route of “me too.” I hope she chooses the former and that I have the courage to continue to make that choice for myself as well. Which will you choose?

Connect the Dots

I have to admit I have never been a big fan of cliffhangers. I am far too impatient to wait for the sequel to find out what happens next. I think I was traumatized back in the early 80's when I and half the world anticipated the season premiere of Dallas, so we could finally find out who shot J.R.!

The truth is, in the absence of information, people will come to their own conclusions. I believe it is human nature for us to connect the dots of a story, especially if it is one that impacts our personal lives. I think that is why people hang around the water cooler or read the latest gossip. Living our real lives in a cliffhanger is not an option. We crave information and will often listen to anyone who can finish the story. If no one is talking, we often resort to creating our own conclusions.

Understanding this human need to connect the dots is helpful on two fronts. First, it allows us to identify when we might be filling in the gaps of a story with information that may or may not be accurate. And as we know, poor information can lead to poor decision making. Secondly, it can help us understand (rather than judge) what others might be thinking and how they may have jumped to conclusions; giving someone the benefit of the doubt is never a bad thing.

So many people today are craving information because they are scared about their futures. They want someone to tell them when the jobs are going to return, when the real estate market is going to recover, or whether gas prices will continue to go up. If you spend any time listening to the news, you can find hundreds of commentators who claim to have the answers. Each day, we tune in to see if they finally have connected the dots.

Perhaps, waiting to find out who held the smoking gun in Southfork was a sign of easier times. Or maybe, we could use a similar dose of patience, so that we receive all of the relevant information to reach the right conclusions.

What's Your Imprint?

Ask anybody how they became who they are today, and in almost all cases, they will point to someone who made a difference in their life. These individuals, whether parents, teachers, coaches, pastors, or other leaders did something to make an imprint on their life. They provided support and encouragement, but often it is said that the “imprinters” believed in them.

A few things come to mind when I think about "imprinters." Some make a difference on a global level and it is their character that makes a universal imprint on us… Gandhi comes to mind.

Some people make their imprint on us and we carry their imprint with us for a lifetime, like the example of a teacher or parent.

And then there are those who only make a brief imprint, yet that brief moment makes a significant difference in our lives. I consider these situational imprints. Maybe it is someone who helps us in a time of need like a nurse or doctor, whose name you might not remember, but their support meant everything. Or it might be as simple as a service representative who makes you feel like you are their only customer.

It is clear that we know when we have been imprinted, but I am not sure anyone knows when they make an imprint on others. Gandhi probably had no idea of the difference he made, and my guess is the elementary school teacher doesn’t either. However, if I look at situational imprinting, I believe we can make it part of our lives. There are plenty of imprints to go around; it’s really just a matter of finding your own.

Ctrl+Z

I am fairly confident that I only use about 10% of my keyboard. Other than hitting Enter, Shift or Tab, I guarantee there are multiple keys that will never acquire my fingerprints; except, of course, the Ctrl and Z keys. For my non-techie friends Ctrl+Z is a shortcut for “undo”, “delete”, or “Phew, I’m glad I caught that before I hit send." Essentially, it is an eraser of our mistakes.

Now, I know I can’t be the only one who is thinking how great it would be if we could have a Ctrl+Z for life. Imagine the applications! Think about it, no longer would you have to follow a comment with “Did I really just say that out loud?” or “That was the biggest mistake of my life,” or in my situation from last week, “I’m sorry you had to snake my cell phone out of your toilet.”

The possibilities for Ctrl+Z in life are endless. Just think how open we would be to taking risks, whether it be communicating openly, challenging our creative thinking, or trying something that may result in humiliation. With Ctrl+Z, you would be guaranteed a second chance or even a third, and you would never worry about the outcome.

And then of course, I think what it would be like living in a world where everyone has a Ctrl+Z. We would be surrounded by people who never have to grow beyond their fears, we wouldn’t have to learn from our mistakes, and everyone could become the perfect person who is always accepted by others. Hmmmmm, this reminds me a bit of Bill Murray’s movie, “Groundhog Day.”

As nice as it would be to have a keyboard eraser handy for everything we say and do, it is good to know that we have all been given the ability to grow stronger from the errors we have made in our lives. I can think of some very long days when I have ended up appreciating that!