Susan Schneider’s Blog

Awaken Grace, Inspire Hope, Illuminate Love

"Be sure to take care of strangers, for in doing so some have entertained angels without knowing it." Hebrews 13:2

Sometimes I need reminding of just exactly how blessed I am...

When I complain that I have nothing to wear - a child walks the streets barefoot.
When I can't decide what I want to eat - a mother adds ketchup to her baby's bottle for nourishment.
When I gripe about the cold weather - a group of teens burn paper for warmth.
When I get upset with my children for not cleaning their rooms - a young girl wonders if she will ever have a family.
When I see a homeless person and judgingly turn away - a boy sits on the street corner losing all hope.

As I write this on paper, I realize how selfish I sound. It is actually quite embarrassing to think of how much I have and yet can feel like it still isn't enough.

Believe it or not, there is a blessing in my selfish thinking...it prompts me to take action for others who are in need, which is why I am focused today on joining hundreds of colleagues as we pack 12,500 survival kits that will be distributed to the homeless youth of San Diego. Today, I will take the focus off of myself and give it to all the "angels" who live on the street.

I am eternally grateful for the organization Urban Street Angels that walks the streets each day to make a difference in the lives of these children who lack everything I take for granted. Today, in partnership with them, we will Awaken Grace, Inspire Hope, and Illuminate Love.

Interested in bringing an outreach program into your business community? Contact me...I would love to share our story!

Susan

 

Unsubscribe

Each morning, I wake up to find a slew of emails in my inbox, most of which include somebody trying to sell me something that they feel I desperately need. I am not sure how most of them got my name, but I am fairly confident that there isn't a million dollars in a bank account with my name on it, waiting to be claimed, nor do I have any relatives in Cambodia whose lives depend on me sending them money. What I do know is that a disproportionate part of my day is now dedicated to deleting unwanted emails. The positive side of this telemarketing nightmare? That wonderful little button labeled "unsubscribe."

Personally, I could use a few more "unsubscribe" buttons in my life outside of my inbox. I admire people who have the ability to stay keenly focused on their priorities. Some days, well most days, I have the attention span of a two-year-old. Any shiny ball can take me off course. I can easily get sucked into watching hours of the latest news story, regurgitating conversations that should have been done days before, or over-analyzing situations over which I have no control.   

In these cases, finding the "unsubscribe" button is a bit more challenging because deleting these activities from my day is the responsibility of one person, and that person is me. I will say that I have become a bit more cognizant of my "spam" activities by asking myself questions such as: Is this activity productive? Does it energize or suck the life out of me? Is there something better I can do with my time? Depending on the answer, I may choose to "unsubscribe," that is, unless I am playing Words With Friends. For some reason, “unsubscribing” to that never works!

Are there areas in your life that need an “unsubscribe” button?

Clear the F.O.G.

Last week, I invited two friends to join me for a speaking engagement. I was very excited about going, and felt confident they would enjoy the evening. Turns out both of them had to cancel just days in advance. I could tell by their words that both felt regret in having to tell me. It was then that I knew I had to clear the F.O.G... I needed to relieve them of their fear, obligation, and guilt. The last thing I wanted was for them to feel any shame on my account. Simply put, friends don't let friends shame.

I have to say, I am grateful for the awareness that F.O.G. creates in others and me. And like nature’s fog, the view has not always been so clear for me. There was a day when I probably would have been put-off, hurt, and offended by the cancellation. Most likely, I would have stayed home and thrown myself a pity party, all because I would have taken the cancellation personally, rather than recognizing it for what it is... people are busy and sometimes need to withdraw from their commitments. I am no different.

No one wants to get caught in the F.O.G. and that is why I am making a conscious effort not to reply to someone canceling on me with a simple "fine" because it leaves too much room for interpretation. Instead, I clearly let them know that there is no reason for them to feel badly. Sometimes, assuming they feel okay is not enough. We need to say it out loud. There is another benefit to this approach: I don't have to worry about someone telling me the truth. I've made it safe, because as I said, friends don't let friends shame.

Can you lift the F.O.G. for others? For yourself?

Hanging By a Rope

This week, I am breaking my rule of sticking to 300 words in the blog. However, I think it's worth it to share this fable. As you read through this, think about what words come to your mind and consider the two questions at the end. Feel free to share your thoughts with me for next week's post.

The fable begins with a man wrestling with his own thoughts about his future and what choices he wants to make about his life.

After much contemplation, he achieves great clarity and is excited about the vision he can see for his life. He starts off on the journey to his future.

He must travel to another town where an amazing opportunity has presented itself but he must get there by the next morning or the opportunity will pass.

He travels many hours, each step getting more excited about the life he is creating. As the full moon rises, he is alone in his thoughts as he starts crossing a bridge.

The man sees out of the corner of his eye a stranger coming towards him. He thinks the man approaching is putting his hand out to greet him. However, the stranger has the end of a rope in his hand with the other end wound around his waist.

The stranger asks the man to hold the end of the rope. Although perplexed, the man complies.

The stranger asks the man to hold on tight with two hands and then promptly jumps off the bridge toward the swift running deep river below. “Hold on!” the stranger cries.

The free-falling body hurtled the distance of the rope’s length, and from the bridge the man abruptly felt the pull. He held tight despite being almost pulled over the side of the bridge.

Peering down at the stranger who was close to oblivion, the man yelled, “What are you trying to do?”

“Just hold tight,” said the other.

The man tried to haul the stranger in but he could not. He could not get enough leverage. His strength was almost perfectly counterbalanced by the other man’s weight.

“Why did you do this?” the man called out. “Remember,” said the other, “if you let go, I will be lost.”

“But I cannot pull you up,” the man cried. “Just hold on. I need you,” the stranger yells.

The man looked around for help, but no one was near. The man holds on for a while, and then calls, “Please, I cannot hold you. Please climb up.”

“I am your responsibility,” said the other. “Well, I did not ask for it,” the man said. The stranger cried, “If you let go, I am lost.”

The man tried to invent solutions, like tying the rope to the bridge, but could not find any that would work.

Fearing that his arms could not hold out much longer, he tied the rope around his waist.

He thought if he just waited long enough, someone was bound to come and help pull the stranger up. He waited many hours, but no one came.

“Why did you do this?” he asked again. “Don’t you see what you have done? What possible purpose could you have had in mind?”

“Just remember,” said the other, “my life is in your hands.”

Time passed and a decision needed to be made. The man could not hold on much longer.

A thought occurred to him. If the stranger hauled himself up and he kept the end steady and pulled a bit, together they could get the stranger back to safety.

But the other wasn’t interested.

“You mean you won’t help? But I told you I cannot pull you up myself, and I don’t think I can hang on much longer either.” “You must try,” the other shouted back in tears. “If you fail, I die.”

More time passed and finally, the point of decision arrived. The man said to the other, “Listen to me. I will not accept the position of choice for your life, only for my own; the position of choice for your own life, I hereby give back to you.”

“What do you mean?” the other asked, afraid.

“I mean, simply, it’s up to you. You decide which way this ends. I will help you if you help yourself.”

“You cannot mean what you say,” the other shrieked. “You would not be so selfish. I am your responsibility. What could be so important that you would let someone die? Do not do this to me.”

The man stated again, “I will not stand here and hold this rope. If you want to live, you must start moving now, and I will help you. Please, start now.”

He waited a few minutes, but there was no change in the tension of the rope. “I accept your choice,” the man said, at last, and freed his hands.

By Rabbi Edwin Friedman 

Questions to consider...

Which end of the line are you holding?

Who is on the other end?

 

Searching

When the world is shaken by events such as the bombings at the Boston Marathon, we are left grappling to find an answer to the simple question, "Why would anyone intentionally bring evil to the innocent?" For weeks, months, and years to come, everyone, including investigators, family members, news reporters, and fellow runners will search for anything to bring reason to this madness. However, like so many tragedies, we may never know the truth.

We all have a need to express our grief. For me, it comes out in words. While personal, I feel comfortable sharing with you what I wrote today.  

Empty Canvas

My mind is like a canvas, impatiently begging for an artist.

Without a picture, I cannot find meaning to unanswered questions. 

Like a paint brush absorbing color onto its bristles, I collect information, hoping for clarity.

The colors begin to fill the white space and I see the beautiful faces of children, mothers, fathers; people just like you and me.

But this time, the paint is too thin and the canvas too weak to save the innocent.

I beg the artist to stop. 
I beg the artist to turn back time.  
I beg the artist for a reason.  

The colors fall to the floor and create a river of tears. The canvas and my understanding turn dark. I will not receive answers to my questions this time.

I feel anger and sadness as the picture is blurred. I crave answers to tragedy. My canvas needs to be filled.

Soon, despair will be replaced with hope. Hope for a safer future. Hope for a world without violence. I move forward, absent of reason and a reliance on faith. It's all I can do for the lives lost.

Cheaters for Life

A few years ago, I woke up one morning and realized that I had been stricken with a very unique physical phenomenon: my arms had gotten shorter. What was really odd was that not only did my arms shrink, but the whole world decided that very same night to print all words in a smaller font and dim the lights in every restaurant. I thought I had entered the twilight zone. Unfortunately, I later learned that this was my welcome present to my 40's. One day 20/20 vision, the next day a pair of "cheaters" for every room.

I have to say I have learned to love my "cheaters" so much that I now want to find some way to invent "cheaters" for life. These life "cheaters" would have the perfect prescription to remove all of the blurriness and distortion that we see when we look at an image of ourselves. No more looking in the mirror and seeing through the lens that brings out the negative images. I would be sure to have a pair for moments when I have to take a risk, when I realize I made a bad decision, when I worry too much about how I think others view me. In other words, no shortage of opportunities to change my view.

Ok, so until I get a patent on this invention, I will have to rely on only one thing: changing my thinking and my view of my image. I can let go of the distortion and celebrate who I am today, and what I can become tomorrow. Of course, there is one situation in which this will not work...trying on swimsuits in the department store dressing room!

How do you change your view?

Don't Feed the Animals

I was really surprised to hear how many people actually buy bunny rabbits for their children on Easter. What is not surprising is how many of these same people return them to the pet store within just a few weeks. I get that bunnies are cute and fuzzy, and that it is tempting to bring them home, but remember...these are the same critters that have no problem devouring your tulips within a few hours, and will bite the hand that feeds them.

Like so many things, what seems like a good idea, or important to us in the beginning, may lead to a lot more maintenance than we ever imagined. Many of us have our own "animals" that we wish we would have never brought home. One that immediately comes to mind is that sweet creature we call "success." 

From a very young age, we are surrounded by messages that success will bring great things such as money and respect. We are barraged with images of how success equals happiness and that if we go to the right schools, get the right job, buy the right car, we will never have to suffer another day. Unfortunately, the warning signs about this animal are often dismissed. This animal feeds on emotions like inadequacy, jealousy, and need for perfection, and has a life span that can last late into our lives. As you can see, this animal, like so many others, does not make a good pet and can take over your household.

Many parents are coming to the realization this week that owning a bunny may not be a great idea. They are trying to figure out how to sneak it away to the bunny farm and face their disappointed children. Life without the animal may be tough for a while, but here's the good news: kids are resilient...and so are adults. Maybe it is time to send some of our "animals" to the farm. One that is far, far away.

Do you have animals in your life that never stop eating?

My Will is Talking

Before my feet hit the floor each morning, I take inventory of everything I am grateful for: my family, my health, my job, etc. As I make my way to the shower, my mental inventory evolves from gratitude to a laundry list of what I need to get done in the coming days. Most often, I have confidence that it will all work out as intended, but every once in a while it becomes overwhelming and my "will" to control all outcomes goes into overdrive.  

My "will" is almost always based on fear. Fear that I will not get everything done, fear that I will create a new problem for myself, fear that the future is not as clear as I wish it would be, fear that I will fail. When I rely on my "will" versus having gratitude and faith that everything will turn out as planned, I inevitably blow situations out of proportion and become overly self-reliant. In other words, I focus too heavily on being "in" control rather than "under" control.  

I am learning to recognize when my "will" is guiding my actions. Putting a name to this thinking was half the battle. The second half, which is much harder, I might add, is putting my "will" to rest. For me, the best thing I can do is review the worse-case scenario against my fear. What if I don't finish everything I had hoped to…can I plan differently? What if the future has a different outcome than I had hoped…can I live with that? What if I fail…does that really make me a failure? When I put it all into perspective, the voice of my "will" naturally quiets.

Deep down, we all know that we will be faced with things that are out of our control. None of us has the ability to predict the future; all we can do is handle what is right before us.

Does your "will" have a loud voice?

Are you "in" control or "under" control?

 

Yes + But = No

I'm sorry I didn't call but...

I made a mistake but...

I'm sorry I upset you but... 

An apology followed by an excuse is no apology at all. It's called justification. I think we are all guilty of this and we may not even realize we are doing it. The "yes + but" approach most likely started when we were young children as a way to try and avoid punishment for bad behavior. I believe as adults, the "yes + but" has less to do with avoiding punishment (although the idea of being sent to my room for an entire day does sound rather appealing), and more to do with saving face.

I spent a lot of time this week thinking about why we hang an excuse on our apologies and I kept coming back to one resonating theme. We offer excuses because deep down, we care how people view us and we don’t want anyone to think less of us. Funny thing is, our apologies, coupled with excuses, may actually create exactly the opposite effect. The truth is, most people stop listening once you start piling on excuses; they really just want an acknowledgment of the error. Simply saying, “I am sorry for what has occurred” can often deflate a situation quickly and demonstrates strong character. 

Removing the “but” from the apology takes focus and discipline; it is often not our first instinct. If you know you need to admit your error, be clear about what it is you’ve done and if appropriate, offer acknowledgment of how this may have impacted them. Then, go silent and let the listener digest your message. This whole process may only take a minute, but could have an extremely positive, lasting impact for both of you. 

In my opinion, there is one final, but very important piece to this process: if possible, an apology should always be given with a live voice, either face-to-face or over the phone. While it is so much easier to write it in an email, an opportunity for understanding may be missed. 

How do you get rid of your “but”?

 

Just Breathe

Probably one of the strongest and most daunting feelings we can experience is fear. The magnitude of our fears can bring on a host of emotional and physical responses, which then determine our actions. Most often, when we are faced with fear, we find ourselves going into a flight, fight, or freeze mode. Like an animal cornered by a predator, our human instinct is to assess and react by either running from the fear, attacking it with everything we've got or laying quietly, hoping it goes away.

Understanding the intensity of our fears is important. Not all fear is equal. Many, actually most of them come in the form of everyday activities, like having a difficult conversation, having to own up to a mistake, or simply speaking in front of a group. Interestingly however, as humans, we often rely on the instincts of flight, fight, and freeze as the sole solution, even if the situation is not life threatening. Thankfully, there is a fourth option...we need to breathe. 

Did you know that just three long, deep breaths can completely change the way your brain processes fear? While there is some lengthy medical reason for this that is way out of my league of understanding, this simple approach can shift our primal instinct of going into survival mode. This essentially means that we can stop ourselves from overreacting in a situation that triggers our emotional fears. Just three long, deep breaths. 

If all goes well, these three breaths might just stop me from saying something I will regret later, holding on to an issue that is really not that important, or wishing too late that I would have said what was really on my mind. The nice thing about this solution is I already know how to breathe – no instructions needed! Now, of course, I just have to learn to put it into practice. 

Do you treat all fears equally? 

What do you do to avoid the flight, fight, or freeze mode?